Hey...

Do you have a joke or something relatively clean that you can send? (now we get some pretty disgusting stuff here and while we enjoy it immensely, it probably wouldn't get past Bishop Fred Henry). Be sure to include your home town so we know who to ridicule if we use it!

Darwin Award Winners
The Darwin Awards are presented each year to those who go beyond the call of intelligence. In many cases these people are not able to receive their awards due to unfortunate circumstances!

#1
(16 July 2000, USA) A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, just the right combination of foods to produce a severe gas attack. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.
Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas. Three rescuers became sick and one was hospitalized.

#2
(April 2002, Australia) On a hot day in Sydney, an apprentice builder decided to quench his thirst with a high-pressure water gun used for cleaning cement off bricks. Unfortunately, the power of the water hindered his efforts when it blew his cheek, lower jaw, and chin clean off his face. Luckily, surgeons were able to reattach these useful body parts. To add to his injuries, the apprentice builder was fired as a result of his stupidity.

#3
(24 November 1999, California) One particular group of Christians attempted to follow in Jesus' footsteps more literally than most. They worked to master the secret of walking on water. Diligently, day by day, the group tried to be closer to God by making a sincere effort to walk on water. These Christians continued their unorthodox practices until the leader of this small Los Angeles group unexpectedly died while practicing in his bathtub. His wife said James spent many hours trying to perfect the technique of walking on water, but had not yet mastered the ability. He apparently drowned after slipping on a bar of soap.

#4
(May 2002, Pakistan) Usually it's the criminal, not the judge, who attempts to take himself out of the gene pool. But not in this twist of a familiar tale! A man accused of possessing a hand grenade challenged police to produce it at his trial. When the police brought the grenade into the courtroom, the defendant claimed it was not real. The judge absentmindedly took the grenade in his hand while listening to arguments -- and pulled the pin! He was injured, but survived, no doubt with improved judgment.

#5
(24 November 2001, Hungary) Two farmers were killed and a third was hospitalized with serious injuries after the men attempted to kill a pig with a homemade stun gun during a traditional Hungarian pre-Christmas slaughter. One farmer electrocuted himself with the jury-rigged device during an unsuccessful attempt to knock out the pig. The elderly owner of the pig was so alarmed at the tragedy unfolding before his eyes that he suffered a heart attack and died.
The third farmer tried to come to the rescue of the first farmer by pulling the plug out of the socket. He was shocked, but survived.
The pig came to no harm that day.

#6
(26 March 2002, Montana) Another gem from the FAA accident reports: A pilot and his passenger were hunting coyotes from the air, when the passenger accidentally discharged his shotgun into the right wing of the aircraft, causing the plane to crash. The two hunters were injured, but survived, as did the fortunate coyote.

#7
(10 April 1999, New York) Perhaps, as people get older, some folks really should retire from their careers, or so it would seem for one 55-year old burglar. You see, Terrence found new meaning in the term "Hanging around late at the bar" when he never returned home one night. It turned out that he was actually trying to break through the roof's window of a shop, called the Dum Dum Boutique -- a catchy name for a clothing shop -- by bending back bars on the window. From this vantage point, he made a commanding move, and jumped into the store through this hole. Unfortunately, his sweater apparently didn't like all that fashion, and, refusing to join him, caught on one of the bent bars, which subsequently strangled him to death. He was found dead at the scene on Saturday morning.

#8
(11 February 2001, New Jersey) Two drunks were goofing around, when one challenged the other to shoot him with cigarette butts "to see what it would feel like." His friend obligingly loaded an antique rifle with cigarette butts, placing black powder behind the butts to make sure they left the barrel of the gun. He then shot his friend from a distance of seven feet. The projectiles penetrated the ribcage of the thirty-one-year-old who had issued the challenge, and he died of three cigarette butts to the heart.

Yer Welcome!